Dear Mom

a few month ago has passed since we lost you to cervical cancer. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday when you were here with us. Part of me is still waiting for you to come back, like you’ve been on a long business trip or vacation. I’m waiting for that phone call saying “I’m home, I’ve missed you guys, let’s get together soon”. But my heart knows that this is not to be. I miss you. I miss your physical presence. I miss talking with you. I miss hearing the sound of your voice. I miss sharing my life with you.

I’m not the only one who misses you. I know Tary and Kevin also misses spending time with you mom. kevin communicates with you by sending balloons into the sky and up to Heaven hehehe. I know Dad feels your loss mostly deeply out of all of us, and I wish there was some way I could bring you back for him. Your friends miss you too. A few of them recently told me what a wonderful person you were and that they miss you.

Your death, and death in general, is something I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. Your loss turned my world upside down, producing thoughts and feelings I never expected. You were always so healthy. I never expected cervical cancer to steal you from us.

I think about you every day. I look at your picture. I talk to you. I often wonder just where you are. I know that you’re in Heaven and at peace. But exactly where are you? Are you close? Are you far away? Do you visit us? Can you see us? Do you hear me when I talk to you? So many questions that will never have an answer while I am here on this earth. When I pray to God at night, I often ask Him to give you my love.

The thing that bothers me most about death is that you’re truly gone and that this is forever. You’re in a place where I can’t reach you. I have no idea where you are. I can’t have a conversation with you, or even know that you hear me. My feelings have not dulled with time. My love for you is strong; something that is here with me but can’t be shared with you anymore. You are still very much alive in my heart, even though you’re not physically with me.

You knew me in life as your daughter. I hope you knew how much I loved you then and still love you now. I never told you what a great impact you had on my life, but I didn’t fully come to this realization until after you were gone. I hope somehow you know how you’ve helped me to grow into the good girl I am, and now are helping me to become the person I want to be.

Your time as my mother, as my kid’s grandmother, as a wife, as a daughter, and as a friend will never be forgotten. And although I am not ready to leave this earth, I am looking forward to being reunited with you again one day.

Love always,

Aprista